Tase away, game cops, tase away.
In fact, more people ought to be tased just on the general principal that the most folks are poster children for birth control.
A Phillies fan, a 17 year old who called his dad for permission, ran onto the field Monday night at Philadelphia, and was chased and then Tasered.
At least the budding upper-management candidate had manners.
"Dad, can I run on the field?"
"I don't think you should, son."
"This would be a once in a lifetime experience!"
What's shocking about all this? A) Philadelphia isn't the first city to have a fan Tasered; B) It took this long in Philly.
In fact, the city is three years behind. So far, the first incident was at a minor-league hockey game in New England in 2007.
Poster child for birth control spokesman - and Tasered fan - Mike Bernardi told the Danbury (Conn.) News-Times at the time that it wasn't so bad: "Sort of like putting jumper cables on your ears."
Insert own smartass comment here. Mine: "Yeah, that's what you use on dead battery, or brain-dead human."
Tasering, though, isn't as entertaining as watching some security personnel - or, as NFL Films shows us every so often, a player - executing a near-perfect tackle of some such imbecile on the field. That's really the fun part, and that's what TV should show more of, the embarrassment of getting popped by a 300-pound security guy who ran your dumb butt down.
Then, frankly, I'd like to see the cop or Barney Fife do a sack dance, ala Mark Gastineau or Shawn Merriman, over the punk.
Offered the ever-eloquent Charles Barkley – who played in Philly – on TNT’s NBA telecast: “Congratulations police, way to taser his ass.”
Yeah, sonny, it's a once in a lifetime experience, and now you're that idiot who got tased at the Phillies game for your lifetime.
There's an experience for ya.
LOUGHDMOUTHINGS
JaMarcus Russell was released by the Raiders, automatically increasing ticket sales.
Nipsey Russell couldn't have done much worse.
There is an American Indoor Football Association team in San Jose, which isn't far from Oakland. ...
ESPN.com's post-spring college football top 25, courtesy of Mark Schlabach, is out. Granted, May football polls are as irrelevant as football guides' polls and post-spring and all that.
But I wonder where in the world of almighty recruiting rankings of the past few years were No. 2 Boise State, No. 6 TCU, No. 10 Oregon, No. 13 Pittsburgh, No. 14 Arkansas, No. 18 Cincinnati, No. 21 North Carolina, and No. 24 Stanford. ...
Daytime TV on Thursday: Lawrence Taylor's arraignment for raping a 15- or 16-year-old - age was different depending on source - runaway.
Nighttime TV: True Crime with Aphrodite Jones on ID (Investigation Discovery, 104 on Cox): O.J. Simpson.
Maaaaan, I was thinkin' O.J. while watchin L.T. ...
A gift to non-Florida fans and a faction of nitwits, from the Seattle Times:
"Tim Tebow jerseys are the NFL's hottest seller since Denver drafted him.
"Or you can wait and get the early-bird Christmas special: a Tebow jersey and a game-worn sideline clipboard." ... Local college baseball anybody?
Georgia College & State is a top-15 program and among the nation's Division II leaders in scores of categories, including average (.357/15th), runs (10.4 rpg/5th), homers per game (1.49/9th), to name a few.
Of the 25 team stat categories kept by the NCAA, GCSU is 50th or worse - of 230 teams - in only ERA (5.42/94th), hits allowed per nine (10.47/85th), walks allowed per nine (3.52/67th) and hit by pitch (38/170th).
Sean Harrell is eighth in average (.474) and runs (73), sixth in hits (92), and 16th in on-base percentage (.549). Pitcher Martin Dewald is tied for 15th in wins (9), is 14th in total strikeouts (89) and 35th in strikeouts per nine (10.18).
And the Bobcats go for another Peach Belt title this weekend.
Mercer is in Division I's top 50 in about half of the NCAA's stat categories, including fourth in doubles (130), fifth in hits (593) ninth in homers (71), 16th in homers per game (1.48) and 34th in scoring (8.5 rpg).
Sophomore Jacob Tanis is first in RBI (73), second in homers (19) and total bases (152), third in RBI per game (1.52), ninth in homers per game (.4) and 14th in hits (77).
His .374 average is in the top 300, and he's also 95th in runs per game (1.17) and 44th in doubles (18).
Michael Langley is ninth in hits (79), 28th in doubles (28, tied with teammate Thomas Carroll), 143rd in average (.389). John Moreland is 33rd in homers per game (.35) and 15th in homers (16).
Carroll is 139th in hits (65) and 79th in RBI (51). Billy Burns is 17th in steals (27) and steals per game (.68), plus 27th in runs per game (1.33), 38th in runs (53), and 238th with a .376 average, and also 154th in on-base percentage (.473).
David Teasley (9.05) and Brandon Love (8.64) are 123rd and 176th in strikeouts per nine, and Love is 122nd with six wins. Teasley is 71st in hits allowed per nine, and J.T. Odom is 123rd with four saves, Teasley 180th with three.
The 28-20 Bears are 12-9 in the A-Sun and currently holding down the final tournament spot, but are only 16 percentage points behind North Florida and Jacksonville.
Mercer is up to 145 in one RPI and 149 in the other, and is 13-14 against teams ranked higher at the time in both RPIs. ...
Every time somebody bellyaches about Macon and minor league or independent or semi-pro leagues and teams, they should go to www.oursportscentral.com, which chronicles such unintentional stumbles.
Like how Greenville's Southern Indoor Football League is holding a mid-season tryout. For $75. Save $25 and pre-register.
Most of these things should have an "As Seen on TV" label attached, such is the execution. ...
Syndicated columnist Norman Chad is on to something:
"MLB Network now airs 'Batting Practice' nightly, live coverage from, well, batting practice. Coming next: 'Whirlpool 2Nite.' "
Normy, don't give TVcompoops any ideas.
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